Today, Tomorrow, but not before Yesterday

Life is the single word definition of funny.  Bringing us to laughter at the most detrimental moments throughout our breath taking days.  An uncontrollable reaction to the incidents and fleeting moments we find ourselves in daily.  Whether we find ourselves in anger, tears, or laughter, we find a way to deal with the most troublesome issues that cross our paths.  These are the tools that we have been given.  These are our keys out of this locked room.

When an event happens to us, around us, or by us, anger usually plays a role.  Recently a family member asked if I was depressed.  This is a question that angers me in and of itself, but I was listening when she made that statement and I evaluated how I really felt.  Several years ago I was diagnosed with a random condition that is and was a direct result of professionals failing to do their job.  I will refer to this as "my condition".  The details aren't important, but my anger as a result of their actions is.  So I thought long and hard about if my anger had now turned to depression.  As I explained to my family member, I am not depressed, I am angry...still.  I believe that I am entitled to this.  It is my right.  It also happens to be the one thing that keeps me going.  It fuels my drive.  Some may say that this is inappropriate, that this isn't healthy.  Fortunately for me, their opinions do not matter.  It is simple, this process works for me.  I believe it has been this way for the majority of my life.  I am driven by the limitations that other attempt to bestow on me.  My anger has built a fire in my soul that pushes me to be a better me everyday.

This seams to be especially prevalent in my career.  This is the one area that since I began working, I have heard every comment to action possible to redirect my professional goals.  I spent over a third of my life doing the one job that I loved.  Then "my condition" ended it all literally with one conversation.  One moment in time.  Hours to decide the rest of my life.  That one moment in time that changed everything.  Oddly enough, I didn't get angry immediately.  I didn't cry, I didn't laugh, I didn't do anything.  I just said okay.  I suppose at that moment, that was all I could do.

After my career ended a few months later then came the tears.  Not as a result of "my condition" but as a result of my family and where it stood at that moment.  I had fought so hard to obtain my position, it slowly eroded my home life.  I had the man I loved, yet we were separated in many ways.  All of the trials the previous two years had built up and when I returned home, it all came crashing down.  A grand total of 6 months I had experienced to many life blows and it all came upon me in a single moment.  That day was so clear to me.  I did the one thing people tell you not to do.  I made several major life changing decisions while in a heightened emotional state.  Those were the best decisions I had made in years.  Those decisions have put me where I am today.  I am thankful for that moment in time where my tears forced me to have a gut-check moment with myself.  Forcing me to evaluate my life as a whole and where I wanted to be tomorrow.

Everyday it is truly an effort for me to smile.  It physically causes me pain.  The theory it only takes one muscle to smile....well it's a lie.  Plain and simple.  Over the years dealing with "my condition" I have learn to moderate and minimize my facial features when I speak, eat, and any other movement that requires use of my face.  This means that smiling at the cashier isn't an option.  Laughing at the little jokes on TV or in a movie, becomes difficult.  playing with my child isn't always an option.  So laughing at a difficult situation, isn't the best option for me.  When I laugh, I save those moments for the truly special moments in life.  They may be few and far between, but they are cherished.

It has taken the detriments of yesterday's anger to get me to today.  It is the choices and the tears that will get me through tomorrow.  It will be my fleeting moments of laughter that make yesterday worth while.